Grief, Curiosity, and Unexpected Gifts: A Personal Journey

Relief is the emotion I feel most right now.

Sadness is there too, tucked neatly behind the relief, peeking out at unexpected times — like when someone shows me a bit of compassion and the sadness rushes to the surface, pricking my eyes with tears.

I’m confused by that. Why would I feel more sad when someone is being tender with me?

Curiosity has surfaced a lot. I’m curious about all the emotions circulating through me — like guilt. Why the hell do I feel guilt? That one makes no sense. I would understand if anger showed up, but it hasn’t. And honestly, I don’t think it will.

My father passed away yesterday. It wasn’t unexpected — death had been coming for him for some time. I know that’s why I feel relief.

I was with him when he passed, and that same curiosity was my companion as I sat holding his hand.

When he took his last breath, a single tear streaked down his face. And I was curious about that. I sat there, looking at him — holding his hand, watching his chest still — knowing he was gone. And I was curious. Curious about that tear. What caused it? Was it an expression of emotion (he had been unresponsive for two days), or simply a final release as the body let go?

That image — that single tear running down his face — haunts me.

We weren’t close, my dad and I. I called him Don. He was more like a distant uncle than a father. He and my mom split when I was one, and he disappeared from my life until I was fourteen.

Here’s an interesting little side story about how that reunion came about.

My stepdad and Don ended up working together in the same brokerage firm, likely after a merger. My stepdad recognized the last name and one day simply asked him, “Don’t you want to have a relationship with your daughter?” With that single, selfless act, Don came back into my life.

It might sound like coincidence — but if you know me, you know I don’t believe in coincidences.

Now here’s the best part.

Four years later, Don gifted me scuba diving lessons as a high school graduation present. My scuba instructor was Tom — the man I would marry and the love of my life.

There’s no doubt in my mind this was divinely guided, and I’ll forever be grateful to both men who paved the way for Tom to come into my life.

Over the past two years, my relationship with Don became more compatible. When his brother passed away, I was suddenly thrust into the role of power of attorney — the one everyone turned to for decisions about his care and well-being.

Truthfully, I resented that at first. But it brought us closer, and now I see the gift that came with that responsibility.

There’s still much to unpack with the passing of my father. For now, I think the best thing I can do is to remain open — and curious — about all the feelings that surface.

Grief, like life, isn’t tidy or linear. It’s full of contradictions — relief and sadness, guilt and gratitude, all showing up at once. What I’m learning is that the most healing thing I can do is to stay curious about it all. Maybe that’s something we can all practice — meeting our emotions with curiosity instead of judgment, and letting them show us what needs to be seen.